Giving up control in relationships is not easy

My marriage used to be very much like the marriage that Laura Doyle describes in Loveawake dating site blog. I made most of the decisions through nagging, whining and browbeating. I would ask his opinion and then tell him why mine was better. I would sneak around behind his back if I thought he would “give me lip” about doing something. I denied him sex when he displeased me and I used the martyred opinion that “I do everything around here and he just doesn't appreciate it” as justification.

On one hand, giving up control was terribly hard, and on another it wasn't. The easy part was because I have never had much love for making decisions. As a child, I used to have trouble ordering at fast food restaurants because I was afraid of making people mad or whatever. Even now, I have to talk myself out of doing things because of what other people think.

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Also, I have a terrible lack of ability to filter. I can see the positives of both sides to almost any question, even if I don't agree with them. This sounds like a great ability and it's nice when I need to arbitrate a fight between my children, and it is the reason I am completely accepting of other people's choices, but it is terrible when I just go back and forth and can't make a decision because I can't tell what would be the better way because I can see how both would be good and both would be bad.

So the fact that I don't have to decide whether it would be better to put money in savings or pay off our small debts is a great relief. The fact that all I have to do as far as the decision about what to do with our tax return is put out what I would like to buy with the money and then the decision is his, is a great relief.

What I was really afraid of is that he would be a big tightwad and I would never get to buy anything fun. So, because of this fear, I had big problems giving up the little control. I would buy a small thing or would put a sanctioned purchase on the debit card without getting approval first (I must ask permission before I buy anything that is not food or a household item, no matter how small and I must get permission before I use the debit card).

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I got punished for these things a few times but then the last time, he said, “Okay, what is the deal? Why do you keep doing this?” So I explained that I never called to ask permission because I assumed he would say no or that he would think that what I wanted to buy was frivolous. He never buys anything for himself. So he told me that he does want to keep a very tight rein on the budget for these first months that he has control just so he can see where our money needs to go and get a good feel of what we have extra and also to get some money in an emergency fund, but that soon he will start giving me a monthly allowance. The amount he suggested was many times the amount I would have asked for! I never imagined he would be so generous.

I have felt much better about trusting him with the money now that I know that his past tightfistedness has been due to not knowing what was going on with the money and that he never buys himself anything because there just isn't a whole lot that he wants.

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Every control that I give to him is one less thing that I have to think about. If he decides when and whether we have sex, then I don't have to think about whether or not I feel like it when he asks, only if I am physically capable of doing what he asks. If he decides what we will do for our anniversary then I don't have to worry about any arrangements or setting anything up. If he is in charge of talking to people outside of our relationship then I don't have to worry about confronting people.

I was scared to give him that kind of control. I was afraid that he would use it against me. I was afraid that he would take advantage. I was afraid that he would use the power to punish me as an excuse to abuse. Then I remembered that I did not marry an abusive man. If he was abusive, he wouldn't have waited ten years to get my permission. I wouldn't love a man I thought to be abusive so why should I think now that he is?

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If he isn't the man I believe him to be, then I can always take back the control. If he is the man I believe him to be, he would never abuse me. If he is not the man I believe him to be, I might as well find out now and not waste another ten years of my life.

Anyway, these are the things that helped me get over my fear of giving him control. Now all my misgivings have to do with how society perceives our relationship. I have no doubts that my man is capable and fair and worthy of this control. He likes the power without getting drunk on it and I love letting go of some of my stressors.

He controls anything that he wants to. If he wanted to tell me how to dress, he could. If he wanted to tell me what to do today, he could and sometimes he does. If he wanted to tell me what to eat for lunch, what to make for dinner, what to do with the kids today, he could. He can read my private journal when he wants, as long as he tells me first.

Many things he chooses not to decide on and that stuff is left to me, either because I have the expertise in that area or he just doesn't have much opinion on it. I am perfectly capable of making those decisions. If I need his input I will ask, just as he often asks my opinion.

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I have not found that he takes control of things just to demonstrate that he is in control. This is another thing I was afraid of. Everything that he has exerted control over has been for the benefit of us and our relationship.

When I was considering this, my head kept telling me all the things that could happen. I kept thinking of all the ways that it could go wrong and all the ways that he could fail me. My heart told me that this was what our relationship needed and that Kyote could be the man I always thought he was, if I would just let him.

In the past, if my heart said no and I listened to my head, it was always a mistake, and vice versa. So this time, I listened to my heart and not a single one of my head's fears have come to pass. He has not been perfect but he has done his best and that is all I can ask from him. In fact, my husband has exceeded my wildest expectations.

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